How are you? How is Uncle George? I hope you got my letter from Paris. The Louvre was just amazing, and the hamburgers in the fast food opposite Gare du Nord were nearly as good as yours.
I will be eternally grateful to you both for enabling me to see Europe. Despite having been born and brought up in the States, I still feel, like you, so British! Seeing the land of one's ancestors in one's youth is surely better than hanging on for one's retirement. It's a shame yout health wasn't up to the trip.
Thank you for your card. Yes, I had an interesting twentieth birthday. I treated myself to an excursion to Startford-upon-Avon, Shakespeare's town. 'Treat' is probably not the correct word. It was the weirdest trip I've ever known.
It began like any other. According to the coach driver, we had six hours free. I tried to stay with Araminta (that girl I wrote you about from Paris) but she went off with some 'Nam veteran.
Anyway, Ann Hathaway's cottage was out of this world. I had a cup of English tea, then bought some postcards (I've put one in with this letter to save a stamp), then found this quaint old antique shop. That's when things started to go wrong. Well, not exactly wrong. They just started to, well, happen. I'll try to explain.
This old, brass cauldron in the shop window caught my attention as I walked by. The shop was run by three old ladies, and when I said that I was interested in viewing the cauldron, they flipped. I mean they seemed to think I really did want it, and wouldn't take 'no' for an answer. Of course there was no way that I could have shipped it back to the States. It was even more enormous than that old rocking chair you used to have! (Did Uncle George ever fix it for you?)
My refusal seemed to offend them. They began to cluck and moan. I felt like I was in a Spielberg movie! I was out of there quick, I can tell you. I could swear one of them was after me with a broom. Outside the shop was this enormous pine tree which seemed to groan - yes, groan - as I ran past it. I took refuge in a pet shop a couple of blocks away, where an asp tried to bite me! I dived into the museum (strange to be in a country where people have to pay to check that no one has run off with their own heritage). I got out of there when an ass's head looked me up and down.
Well, all this had brought on a migraine, so I asked a policeman where I could find a drug store. He looked at me kinda strange, as did the chap in the drug store, shoving this green, bubbling phial under the counter as he sold me some pills.
Outside, the spring sun was still up, so I headed for the river. The Avon was as beautiful as Fodor's said it would be. I began to feel a whole lot better, strolling along, letting the pills and the fresh English air do their thing. Maybe I'd imagined it all. Maybe I was just overtired. I'd sure done a heck of a lot of travelling in the last few days. Maybe it was all just a bad dream, and I'd wake up in a minute or two back on the couch.
I must have taken a wrong turning. Suddenly I had the strangest of feelings. Don't ask me how, but right then I began to realise what was going on, and the thought sent a shock down my spine. Before my very eyes, the scenery was changing. The woods across the river looked like Scotland, the streets might have been Egypt, or London or Venice - anywhere. There was nothing I could get my bearings from. Modern Stratford was leaving me behind.
Even the ground at my feet looked different, unnatural. It was made of boards. I wondered if I was on some sort of platform or stage. Maybe I'd strayed onto some sort of riverside film set, I thought: that would explain some things. But the whole area looked too realistic: those were real trees, real buildings, and across the river, the suddenly muddy, boiling river, were real people.
But wait: why were they pointing at me? It was horrible; I hate people staring at me. This was worse: they were talking about me too, their voices drifting across the churning water: "Marry, 'this a strange churl, that standeth over there. Methinks it knoweth not the time of day!"
Then I realised something even more horrible. Their clothing was completely different to mine. Where I was wearing Levis and my old football shirt (I know you disapprove of that, Auntie, but when one is travelling) these olde worlde hippies had long flowing garments that swung stiffly in the increasingly chill breeze. It felt like winter, was winter, and it would be dark within minutes.
To cut a long story short, I was standing in a world that, although it was at that moment definitely NOT Stratford-upon-Avon, still had this Shakespearian flavour. I'd been transported into the Bard's world - the world of his plays - and players.
You're thinking your nephew's gone nutty, I suppose, that Europe has gone to my head. Please please believe me, Auntie. This REALLY happened. I had to use all my wits to get back to the modern world. Luckily I didn't need to know all that much about the Bard himself - or his works.
No time for any more right now, Auntie. I'll write again in a day or so. Don't worry about me. How is Uncle George getting on in Kashmir?
Your loving nephew
Keyword AVON Hints Hint
ANGLER What can I do with the angler? 10
ARDEN How can I get through Arden? 65
What can I do at the clearing in Arden? 66
ASP How can I avoid being killed by the asp? 39
ASS How can I avoid having an ass's head put on me? 33
BANQUET What is the purpose of the banquet? 49
BARGE How can I get off the barge? 40
BEACH What can I do at the beach? 35
BEAR How can I get past the bear? 21
BIRNHAM What can I do in Birnham Wood? 51
BLOOD How can I remove the smell of blood from my hands? 48
BUTT I can't get past the butt of Malmsey wine. 7
CAPITOL How can I avoid being killed in the Capitol? 32
CASKETS How can I tell in which order to open the caskets 17
on January 6th?
How can I tell in which order to open the caskets 31
on March 15th?
How can I tell in which order to open the caskets 42
on June 24th?
CAULDRON Which object should I choose from the witches' 1
cauldron on January 6th?
Which object should I choose from the witches' 30
cauldron on March 15th?
Which object should I choose from the witches' 46
cauldron on June 24th?
CELLAR How can I use the information from the Boar's Head 20
cellar?
CHEST How can I get the large chest at the beach? 36
How can I open the small chest? 67
CLIFF How do I get down the cliff? 56
COLOSSUS How do I get past the colossus? 58
DRINK I can't win the drinking contest. 6
DROWNING How can I avoid drowning in the river? 29
DUCATS How can I avoid having to give back the ducats? 38
DUNSINNIN How can I get back from Dunsinnin? 52
FARM I don't know what to do at the farm. 3
FOG How can I get through the fog? 55
GAOL How can I get out of gaol? 24
GHOST What can I do with the Scotsman's ghost? 50
GOLDSMITH How can I avoid the goldsmith taking my ducats as 62
payment?
How can I avoid the goldsmith taking back the 63
chain?
How can I get back past the goldsmith when I'm 64
carrying neither the chain nor the ducats?
GRAVEYARD How can I get east of the graveyard? 41
HOUSE How can I get into the house? 25
How can I avoid being killed in the house? 28
HOVEL How can I get into the hovel? 27
HUNCHBACK How can I keep the kingly hunchback? 34
ILLYRIA How can I tell which house to enter in Illyria Court? 15
LEAR How should I advise King Lear? 19
MAZE I can't get through the maze of mountain paths. 2
MELTING How do I avoid my flesh melting? 44
MOOR How can I avoid being killed by the Moor? 14
MOOR'S CODE How can I decode the Moor's code? 16
NAME What name should I give when I'm asked? 61
OBJECTS Tell me the use of a particular object. 69
PASSWORD How can I interpret the jester's password? 18
PHIAL What should I do with the phial? 23
PINE What can I do with the howling pine? 26
PORPENTINE What is a porpentine? 59
How can I get the porpentine? 60
SAVE Why is saving sometimes regarded as an "ill deed"? 22
SHIELD How can I get the shield from the Scotsman? 54
SHREW How can I get the shrew? 37
SLINGS AND How can I avoid being killed by slings and arrows? 53
ARROWS
SPEAR What do I do with the spear? 8
STATUE What should I do with the statue? 5
TAVERN How do I get into the tavern? 57
TREASURE What should I do with my valuable items? 4
I can't find all the treasure. 70
UNDISCOVERED How can I get through the undiscovered country? 45
COUNTRY
VASTY DEEP What can I do about the Vasty Deep? 11
How can I call spirits from the Vasty Deep? 12
How can I avoid being killed by the spirits from 13
the Vasty Deep?
WARM How do I avoid feeling warm? 43
WATCHMAN How can I get past the watchman? 68
WITCHES How can I persuade the witches to give me more 47
than one item at once?
WORM What can I do with the worm? 9